First two Years
It’s been a long 2 ¾ year since my husband died of metastatic nasopharyngeal cancer. I knew the grief would be long, and I understood there was a cycle to it, but until you live it you really don’t understand it. The stormy seas of the first year threaten to take you under at the most unexpected times. Waves of emotion hit without warning and you hold on for dear life until they subside. At times you live moment to moment, learning eventually the wave does lose its hold. Year 2 begins and you think you have survived the worst, after all everyone says the worst is the first time you must do things. I found it is the second that is worse. The second year brings a stark reality that this is for a lifetime. You realize they are not coming back and others have moved on, leaving you behind. Again, I held on and survived by focusing only on today, one day at a time. I could not thrive and did not believe I ever would again.
But this year has been different. Perhaps it’s because of the healing that came with writing my book, or perhaps the counseling, or maybe the changes I made in my life. , I have been able to look ahead at my life. I am beginning to see a future which was something I dared not think about before. Finding myself, accepting that I am my own support and that I can do what needs to be done are great accomplishments. While I’d go back in a minute, I know I can now stand to live like this as long as I need to. Courage has allowed me to do things that David would not have wanted to, or even agreed with. I found my personal power. Learning the greatest gift David gave me was to believe in myself was a breakthrough. Confidence has to come from within, not from him. I laugh more, sing more, and find moments of true joy again. I am a different person, and I’ve quit trying to be what I was, as I am forever changed. Looking back and laughing and remembering things that are not about when he was ill, but rather when he was healthy have been such a relief.
Time does not heal- but it creates new opportunity, insight, and hope. Watch out 2019 I intend to be on a health kick! Time to reclaim my body!